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Last Login: 19 November 2009 08:39
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| Credit where credit id due: The Vicar was speaking from the pulpit: 'We are endebted to Mrs Ramsbottom today for stepping into the organ playing at such short notice. Never have Christian Soldiers marched forwards with such loud gusto or at such a fast pace. Those of you who were at Tueday's bell practice on Thursday will recall her husband's unfortunate encounter with the tenor bell rope. Thank you Lord for our wonderful firefighters and paramedics who so expertly extricated his twisted body from ceiling of the tower and removed him to the hospital. We wish him a speedy recovery'.
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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A tortoise had the misfortune to slip over the edge of a cliff, and found himself stranded on a ledge. After a time, seagull landed on the ledge, and asked him what he was doing there. "I can't climb up," replied the tortoise. "I don't know how to get off this ledge."
"Well," answered the seagull, "perhaps I can help. If my pal and I pick up a branch between us, and you bit hard and hold on, we can carry you to the top of the cliff."
The tortoise agreed to give it a try, the two birds each held one end of the branch in their beaks, the tortoise bit as hard as he could, and when they took off again, he found himself lifted into the air. Up they flew rising steadily towards the top of the cliff. "Nearly there," called the seagull, are you OK?"
"Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees........"
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 19 November 2009 08:39
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| Back in the bad old days of hanging, a condemed man was walking with his executioner across the prison yard towards the place of exection. It was tipping down with rain. Condemed man: 'Not a very nice day for it then!' Executioner: 'It's all right for you Son, I've got to walk back in this lot!'
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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For many years a man had a dog as a faithful friend and companion. When it died he was distraught. Eventually he decided to buy another pet but felt he would like some other sort of animal that was easier to look after.
The pet shop owner recommended a centipede. "Marvellous little animals," he said. "They're very lively. They’ve got a hundred legs but they don’t eat much food and you can keep them in a little box."
The man duly bought a centipede, took it home and made a comfortable box for it to live in. The centipede settled down very happily in its new abode.
A few days later the man called into the centipede's box. "Would you like to go for a walk in the park?"
He didn't get any answer so he called again. "Would you like to go for a walk in the park?"
Still no answer. This time he put his mouth very close to the box and shouted. "I SAID WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO FOR A WALK IN THE PARK?"
A small voice yelled back. "Can't you wait? I'm putting my shoes on."
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 19 November 2009 08:39
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| A Mountaineer, a Methodist Minister and a gentleman from a green island over ther sea were flying in a small aircraft. The pilot said that the plane was about to crash and that he was going to try and crashland with the plane. There were only two parashutes, so the three men should decide who was to use them, and the third man would have to take a chance with the pilot in the crashlanding. The Methodist Minister said that the two with the most children should make the parashute jump, and the others all agreed. 'Well I have two children myself', said the Minister. 'I have a girl of 10 and a boy of seven', said the Mountaineer. The man from the green island said that he had twelve children, so it was agreed that he should jump first. So he jumped. The Methodist Minister then said, 'Well it's up to us now to decide which of us uses the other parashute'. 'No necessary!' said the mountaineer. 'We still have two parashutes. That man from the green island jumped out with my rucksack.'
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 19 November 2009 08:39
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| A garden gnome was sitting on a toadstall fishing in the birdbath when a stranger came by: Stranger: 'Excuse me, but are you a fisherman?' Gnome: 'Well no! Actually I'm a Doctor.' Stranger: 'Well you don't look like a Doctor!' Gnome: 'Surley you've heard of The National Elf Service!'
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Half way through the sermon this little old fellah got up and went out .... during the prayers he returned and sat down for the rest of the service when a church warden sought him out to ask whas anything wrong.
"Oh no", he replied, "I went for a haircut"
"Couldn't you have gone before the service", asked the CW
The old man replied, "I didn't need one then!"
Quatenus in hebdomades quattuor et dies duos ire possumus?
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Kids Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria , go to the map and find North America.
MARIA : Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria .
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TEACHER: John , why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN : You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn , how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN : K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN : Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
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TEACHER: Donald , what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD : H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD : Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie , name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE : Me!
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TEACHER: Glen , why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN : Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie , give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE : I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie ..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE : All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie , do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS : Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON : No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold , what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD : A teacher
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 19 November 2009 08:39
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| A little girl is busy drawing: Teacher: What is it that you're drawing there Mary? Mary: I'm drawing God. Teacher: But we don't know what God looks like. Mary: Well, when I've finished my picture you will.
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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Forum Poster
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Last Login: 19 November 2009 08:39
Posts: 55,
Visits: 227
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| Another little girl is busy drawing: Teacher: And what is it that you're drawing Jane? Jane: I'm drawing God driving Adam and Eve out of the Garden of Eden. Teacher: OK, so why is God driving a Land Rover? Jane: Well, there were'nt any roads in the Garden of Eden, silly!
He who laughs last is a fool for waiting so long!
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